It has been about 11 months since I last posted. For my three faithful readers, I apologize. For everyone else...you haven't missed much.

I'm just feeling depressed tonight. I should be studying for my Spanish final, but instead I talked to my sister for the first time since Thanksgiving and decided my blog needed updating. You know what they say; you can be awfully productive when you're trying to procrastinate.

I guess I just want to get my worries off my chest, and I don't really care if anyone reads this or not. At least it will be out of my system.

My sister's boyfriend gave her a promise ring for Christmas. A promise ring with nine diamonds, no less.

My great-grandmother has congestive heart failure and a leaking valve in her heart, too. We don't know how long she'll last. I have a feeling she's hanging on until she can see me and my mother, and after that...well, she's ninety-six, and she's been ready to die for years. I can't be selfish and begrudge her that, not when she's been missing Great Papa all this time. But it's still hard. I feel like I hardly know anything about her. Why did she move to California? Was it during the Depression? Where did she learn to crochet and quilt and knit and sew? I know she used to be a seamstress, but did she get a lot of work? I have so many questions to ask her before she dies. I hope I have the time. I already regret not asking her sooner.

I'm worried that Great Granny will die at a time when I can't come to her funeral. I already missed my grandma's funeral, and I'll be honest: it traumatized me. (That could also be because she died on September 10, 2001, but that's academic at this point. It still hurt.) I have the same worry about my grandpa. It doesn't matter that a death in the family is an act of God and will be excused by the University. I still don't want to miss a lot of class and fall behind. It was bad enough when I missed two days from illness. A funeral visit would take a week, at least, and I really don't know if I'll be able to spare a week without my grades suffering. That's been plaguing me all this semester, too, especially in August and September when Grandpa was so sick. It's the simple things that really get you down.

I'm worried about money. Big surprise there; I'm a college student.

I'm worried about New Year's Resolutions. This year I only made three: to get closer to God, to be on time for stuff, and to write a novel (which eventually translated into finish my fanfiction). I have failed miserably at all of them--especially the one about being on time. I have several parking tickets in my glove compartment right now because I was running so late I couldn't park in the garage.

I guess I'm really bothered because I don't feel like I've grown as a person. I feel...well, I feel like a failure. What have I accomplished this year? Good grades? Not as good as I could have gotten if I had actually studied. A more active church group? Erin and Diana and Clay had more to do with that than I did. My bank account is in shambles, and my room and bathroom are a mess. I have actually gained weight and I accomplished none of the goals I outlined for myself last year when I ran for office in the Sorority. I ignored my Little Sister in the Colony. I got kicked out of a horn lesson. I managed to save no money this summer. I procrastinated for every project, paper, and assignment this year and I ended up turning in shabby work and burning an awful lot of midnight oil (just like I'm doing now, in fact).

So what did I do?

I read 21 Star Wars books, the Twilight saga, and a good chunk of my music history text. I went to Honduras and worked as hard as I could for 10 days. I learned 42 words or so of Mandalorian (and I intend to learn more). I started dating a wonderful, wonderful man who I might be in love with. I finished my paddle and my X-Wing. I got my jersey ordered. (Thank you, Daniel!) I got to see two Little Sisters cross. I finished writing our chapter hymn.

And...that's really it.

I had all sorts of plans and goals and dreams for this year. I wanted my motto to be like this Scottish proverb I found: "You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind". I spent so much time scheming and dreaming, but I was too lazy or too busy to actually act on my projects. And it feels like this year is just a microcosm of my entire life, because that it what I've always done. I'm a dreamer, yes; but I can't actually do anything about it.

How can I change this?

Maybe I can start by having either a) less projects in the works, or b) making my projects more worthwhile. For instance, here's what I've got on the back burner right now:

• A notebook for the Historian that includes time lines, price lists, places to buy stuff, people to call, etc. I refuse to let the next Historian be as lost as I was.
• The same thing as above, except for the Alumni Secretary.
• A fanfiction that currently has two chapters posted on fanfiction.mugglenet.com. (You can read them here.) I still have to write Molly, Andromeda, Narcissa, and Hermione.
• A fanfiction that involves Harry telling his children bedtime stories about his youthful exploits.
• A fanfiction that continues after Order 66. Karen Traviss left WAY too many loose ends; I intend to exploit a few.
  
• A horn quartet or quintet arrangement of one of Palestrina's or Josquin's masses, preferably before the horn studio recital February.
• A half recital on April 6.
• Building a costume of Mandalorian armor.
• Writing the novel I've been planning out since I was fourteen.
  
• Reading Yoda: Dark Rendezvous, finishing the Legacy of the Force series, and learning more Mandalorian so that I can write the above-mentioned fanfic.
• Balancing my bank statement.
• Organizing all my pictures. (My mother left them in a mess.)
• Posting said pictures to Facebook.
  

Can you see what I mean? For instance, why is balancing my bank statement on the back burner? That's a messed up priority. And the only ones mentioned that will benefit other people are the first two.

I guess what I need to do is focus on just these for the coming year: these and no others, not until these are done--or at least in progress. So I will list these as "Resolution Maybes."

Here are my actual resolutions:

• Do not procrastinate when preparing for my recital.
• Do not procrastinate when preparing for lessons.
• Be on time for stuff.
• Finish your fanfic.
• Get closer to God.
• Balance your bank statements as soon as you get them and write down your receipts EVERY night.

This is exactly twice as many resolutions as I made last year. I will now write these on a piece of paper and place them on the wall above my computer so that I see them every day. I might even develop a system for showing how well I'm doing at each one of them.

Maybe if I actually do what I say I do, I'll feel like a better person.